• rules for bands

    From Steve Thompson@1:261/38 to Richard Webb on Sunday, October 15, 2023 00:15:56
    This was a great read, thanks :)

    ... I know it's been awhile (and I'm getting caught up) so here's a recap:

    Since it seems we actually have some lurkers at least, btw,
    from the moderator, thanks for popping up and saying hi,
    this will give you a laugh.
    POsted by a sound reinforcement provider buddy of mine on
    usenet:
    RULES FOR BANDS
    -Never start a trio with a married couple.
    -Your manager's not helping you. Fire him/her.
    -Before you sign a record deal, look up the word 'recoupable' in the dictionary.
    -No one cares who you've opened for...
    -A string section does not make your songs sound any more important.
    -If your band has gone through more than 4 bass players, it's time to break up
    -When you talk on stage you are never funny.
    -If you sound like another band, don't act like you're unfamiliar with their music. "Oh does Rage Against The Machine also do rap-rock with political lyrics?"
    -Asking a crowd how they're doing is just amplified small talk. Don't do it. -Don't say your video's being played if it's only on community TV.
    -When you sign to a major label, claim to have inked the best contract ever. Mention 'artistic freedom' and 'a guaranteed 3 record deal'.
    -When you get dropped insist that it was the worst contract ever and you asked
    to be let go.
    -Never name a song after your band.
    -Never name your band after a song.
    -When a drummer brings in his own songs and asks to perform one of them, begin
    looking for a new drummer IMMEDIATELY.
    -Never enter a Battle Of The Bands contest. If you do you're already a loser. -Learn to recognise scary word pairings: rock opera, white rapper, blues jam, swing band, open mike etc.
    -Drummers can take off their shirts or they can wear gloves, but not both.
    -Listen, either break it to your parents or we will - it's rock 'n' roll, not
    soccer game. They've gotta stop coming to your shows.
    -It's not a 'showcase'. It's a gig that doesn't pay.
    -No one cares that you have a MySpace page.
    -Getting a tattoo is like sewing platform shoes to your feet.
    -Don't hire a publicist.
    -Playing a gig that requires an overnight stay somewhere doesn't mean you're o
    tour.
    -Don't join a cover band that plays Bush songs. In fact, don't join a cover band.
    -Although they come in different styles and colours, electric guitars all soun
    the same. Why do you keep changing them between songs?
    -Don't stop your set to ask that beers be brought up. That's what girlfriends/boyfriends are for.
    -If you need a smoke machine your music sucks.
    -We can tell the difference between a professionally produced album cover and one you made with the iMac your parents got for Christmas.
    -Remember, if blues solos are so difficult, why can so many 16 year olds play them?
    -If you ever take a publicity photo, destroy it. You may never know where or when it will turn up.
    -Cut your hair, but do not shave your head.
    -Pierce your nose, but not your eyebrow.
    -Do not wear shorts onstage. Or a suit. Or a hat.
    -Rock oxymoron's; major label interest, demo deal, blues genius, $500 guarante
    and Fastball's second hit.
    -3 things that are never coming back: gongs, headbands and playing slide guita
    with a beer bottle.
    Regards,
    Richard

    --- BBBS/Li6 v4.10 Toy-6
    * Origin: Prism bbs (1:261/38)