From Newsgroup: comp.sys.mac.system
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Editorıs Note: With the celebration of Appleıs 30th anniversary wrapping
up, it seems like the perfect time to take one last look back at the
companyıs storied history. Now, anyone can put together a timeline that
tells you what year certain Macs were released or which kitty code-named version of OS X came out when. But Appleıs 30th anniversary demands a concerted effort from a reporter not afraid to dig deep to discover the
untold story of Appleıs history. Sadly, none of those reporters were available, so Macworld turned the project over to the editor of Crazy
Apple Rumors Site instead. Here are some key moments in the history of
your favorite fruit-themed technology company as best he could remember
them.
4-15 billion years ago: The universe, galaxy, and solar system are
formed, and the Earth begins to cool, forming the rocks that will one
day inhabit Gil Amelioıs head.
1 Million BC: Space aliens arrive on Earth and leave a vast array of technological marvels in a cache in the Nevada desert. Instead of a
curse, the entrance is engraved with a complicated end-user license
agreement.
On second thought, maybe those really arenıt that different.
4,400 years BC: Eve is tempted in the garden of Eden and takes an apple
from the serpent.
4,397 years BC: Eveıs extended AppleCare warranty runs out. A day later
she begins to hear fan noise.
1666: Sir Isaac Newton is struck upon the head by a falling apple and discovers gravity. Later the same day, he files the first lawsuit
against Apple, but is told he will have to wait another 310 years.
1942: The cache of technology in the Nevada desert is discovered,
setting the computer revolution in which Apple will play an integral
part into motion. Government researchers immediately begin working on
digital porn.
1955: Steven Paul Jobs is born in San Francisco, Calif. Several minutes
later he angrily conducts his first firing when his motherıs
obstetrician suggests Jobs be bottle fed.
1968: The Beatles form Apple Corps to sell records. Says Ringo Starr at
the time: ³Itıs my belief that this will put us in a strategic position
to one day distribute music through a global computer network that does
not yet exist.² Unfortunately for Apple Corps, since itıs Ringo, no one
pays the slightest bit of attention.
1970: Jobs meets Steve Wozniak for the first time. Wozniak is somewhat
put off when Jobs asks him if he wouldnıt mind standing in Jobsı shadow
for the rest of his life.
1974: Steve Wozniak works at Hewlett-Packard where he discovers the
alien technology locked in a back room. Wozniak uses it to create a
reality distortion field that Jobs quickly claims as his own.
1976: Jobs and Wozniak form Apple Computer in Jobsı parentsı garage,
right between the lawn mower and the old copies of National Geographic.
Jobsı mother would frequently yell out to them, ³What are you boys doing
out there?!² to which they would reply, ³Just soldering.² Jobsı mother
did not know what soldering was but she hoped it wasnıt slang for
whatever unsavory things kids were into back then.
1980: Steve Jobs asserts his way on to the Macintosh project team,
pushing out Jef Raskin. That would be bad enough, but running around
holding a Macintosh prototype over Raskinıs head and playing ³keep-away²
was probably uncalled for.
1983: Jobs asks Pepsi president John Sculley to come to Apple as CEO.
Sculley looks down at his legal pad which contained six monthsı worth of doodles and the words ³Idea: New Pepsi?² written in the margin and
agrees.
1984: Apple airs its famous Super Bowl ad during the 1984 match-up
between the Raiders and the Redskins. The commercial would reign as Best
Super Bowl Ad Ever until it was overtaken in 2005 by the one where the GoDaddy.com girlıs top comes off.
1985: After a falling out with Sculley, Jobs resigns from the company,
but not until after their famous May slap-fight in the Apple board room, during which Microsoft introduces Windows 1.0.
1985: Hoping to recapture its Super Bowl success from the previous year,
Apple devises a promotional plan where the coach of the winning team
will be doused with a shower of Macs. The plan ends in disaster when a Macintosh 512k shatters Bill Walshıs hip.
1986-1992: Sculley focuses all his attention on the introduction of the Newton, which becomes the next great computing platform of the future
with flawless handwriting recognition, a vibrant developer community,
and a free pony for each Newton user.
1993: Appleıs board fires Sculley when itıs discovered that he cannot
bend spoons with his mind, as he claimed in his job interview.
1994: Macs begin the transition to the PowerPC, just one part of the
companyıs poorly-conceived "Time to mess with our developers" strategy.
1995: Apple licenses the Mac OS, encouraging licensees to fill markets
the company isnıt already in. Things get off on the wrong foot, however,
when Power Computing CEO Steve Kahng literally eats Mike Spindlerıs
lunch when the Apple CEO isnıt looking.
1996: Spindler resigns and is replaced by a minor rock formation dubbed
³Gil Amelio² by geologists. The rock formation is still a marked
improvement over Spindler, most notably for its decision to ditch the
Copland project and instead buy Next, bringing Steve Jobs back to the
company.
1997: Jobs assumes the interim CEO post and immediately orders Gil
Amelio buried in a Utah landfill. He also terminates the cloning
license, kills the Newton, announces an alliance with Microsoft, begins selling Macs directly online and has the entire Apple campus moved three inches to the left to improve the feng shui.
1998: The iMac is introduced, launching a fruit-flavored trend in design
that, in retrospect, we probably could have done without.
2001: To improve its image with consumers, Apple opens retail stores in high-end malls, providing a key outlet for the iPod when itıs released
in October. Jobsı subsequent attempts to sneak into homes to deliver
iPods was met with shrill screams of ³Aaaagh! Mommy, whoıs the man in
the blue jeans and black turtleneck coming down the chimney?!²
The iPod is immediately declared over-priced and under-featured. The
analysts are right once again as the iPod fails dismally.
2003: Apple launches the iTunes Music Store, which is resoundingly
determined to be over-priced and under-featured. The analysts are right
once again as the iTunes Music Store fails dismally.
2005: Steve Jobs announces that Macs will be switched to the Intel
chipset. Somewhere a MUG member angrily threatens to switch to Windows
but quietly buys an Intel-based Mac mini a year later.
Analystswho had called for the move for yearsnow denounce it out from
sheer reflex to denounce anything Apple does.
--
Stop Mad Cowboy Disease: Impeach the son of a Bush.
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